It's been 3 days since I shared a big "secret" with 142 women, and the feelings I'm left with are drowning me. I never expected the low that comes with telling the truth, I'm sure it's Satan. I've lived with anger towards my mom for years, now I have to live with the fact that I haven't quite forgiven her it appears. After telling my story on Saturday, my mother unexpectedly came, I did not invite her, she rarely comes to an event I invite her to, if she does it's because she's "guilted" into coming. Not because she's ever learned what being a mother lools like. So year after year, she tries but never seems to understand how to love her own children, or grandchildren. Truly, I thought it was all OK. She is who she is. After sharing, she punishes me, as she always has by being "silent", until I decide I can take it no longer and call her. I'm not calling. Doing it different is painful. I continue to fall into the trap of "expectations." Why must I resort into being that little girl who is screaming for the deaf mothers ear? I cannot seem to learn how to lean on God totally, halfway, somewhat,...just not quite enough to feel His relief. I need prayers..I'm so grateful for freinds who love me, for the best husband, for children who are amazing, but I know still..only God can heal the wounds that are so deep...today they are oozing.
I"m sorry for your pain. I understand it, and I have no wisdom. I don't think the pain ever really goes away - it you figure it out let me know how.
ReplyDeleteUntil then, just keep holding on. You are a beautiful daughter of the king. He is the perfect parent and he loves you so much. He cares & he listens, and he has given you an entire book of words for you to hear. No silent treatment. :-)
You have taken a very huge step, my friend. This isn't soul searching, it's soul bearing! And it's not easy or pain-free.
ReplyDeleteThe silent treatment is not as prevalent any more for me, but it has taken more than 40 years to get to a healthy place of understanding what to do with it. Satan will fill that silence with lots of things you don't need to hear. Allowing God to fill that void, while it's what you need to do, is not something that just happens. But, reaching out for Him, no matter how small the effort, is all that is needed to know Him and His presence, and to begin the process of shutting down "the bad stuff."
You just don't run into folks every day who are willing to openly share their hearts as you do. Be encouraged that He does know you and has known you. That each step in your life was to bring you closer to Him. That as you continue to serve Him and know Him, that "the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."
He is the fount of all healing, and He continues to have great plans for your life!